I think I died a long time ago.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
