People in love make me want to vomit
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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