This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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