Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
