hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you guys were way drunker than both of me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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