can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
