Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
