I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
