well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
