I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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