3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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