Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
