my mouth tastes like poor choices
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
