I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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