God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
