The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
