We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
