So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
