i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
