I checked into jail on foursquare
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
