i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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