Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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