Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
