He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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