ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
