The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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