3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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