The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
