Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
