Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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