When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
