Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
