Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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