i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
