one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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