her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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