just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You can't motorboat a personality
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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