So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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