My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
