Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
