I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
