you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
