Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
