i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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