From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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