sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
