I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
