So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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