Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
