I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
