I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
