I wish I could teleport
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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