can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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