I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
