I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
